I've been hearing a lot about this show... in fact, I think my downstairs has the DVD sets I'll have to borrow from her.

And, for the joys of BPAL, I'm joining the Supernatural pimpage. ^_^ Not actually sure when it airs here, most of my TV these days comes from bittorrent, but the next one is on the 8th of May. It's called "Time is on My Side" and looks to have something about zombies and immortal people... Heh sounds good to me!

Mmm BPAL. Mmm pretty boys and well, Supernatural stuffs! ^_^

I know I haven't posted anything here in ages, and when I do, it's a quizthing. I'll come up with an actual post one of these days....

Well, I'm official looking for Rose Red, though I'm perfectly happy with an imp or low-level bottle. Not sure what a reasonable price is, I'm also happy to trade if there's something I've got from a wish list, just let me know what you're up for and we can work something out. Also any other rose-heavy scents I'm interested in.

And for the question - I'm wanting to decant some of my bottles and some of other people's bottles to trade stuff. Where would y'all reccomend for getting vials? I don't want a huge order, more like ~20 imp-size vials and caps.

1. Can you cook?

2. What was your dream growing up?

3. What talent do you wish you had?

4. Favorite place?

5. Favorite vegetable?

6. What was the last book you read?

7. What zodiac sign are you?

8. Any tattoos and/or piercings?

9. Worst habit?

10. Do we know each other outside of lj?

11. What is your favorite sport?

12. Negative or optimistic attitude?

13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?

14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?

15. Tell me one weird fact about you:

16. Do you have any pets?

17. Do you know how to do the macarena?

18. What time is it where you are now?

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

22. What color eyes do you have?

23. Ever been arrested?

24. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?

25. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?

26. What's your favorite bar to hang at?

27. Do you believe in ghosts?

28. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

29. Do you swear a lot?

30. Biggest pet peeve?

31. In one word, how would you describe yourself?

32. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

I'm sorry.

I don't know if you'll ever read this Mouse, I wouldn't be surprised if you never wanted to deal with me again.

I'm sorry you feel I betrayed you, lied to you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Zed firsthand. If I could go back, I would. You'd probably still be hurt, but I did you a wrong, and I feel horrible about it. Don't ever think I don't care, please... I love you, just as much as I always have. I want to see you well and happy, but I don't have the power to make you that way. You mean a lot to me, and you always will. I want to be in your life, I want to be your friend, and I want you to be my friend. I don't know if that can happen now, I don't know if you can trust me again, I wouldn't blame you if you said you couldn't.

I'm sorry.

So it's been a damn long time since I said anything in here. I suppose one of these days I ought to get my life up to date in writing, but that doesn't mean I actually will.

Life is being interesting, I'd say, but I'd just as soon not go into it right now. Let's leave it at I'm all sorts of fucked up in the head, as per my usual.

I've got song lyrics though, introduced to the song by a friend, seems rather... iconic of me, at least me in moods I'm in often. I'm not really the sort to see myself in someone else's song all that often. I can sing it and love it, but rarely do I say "this song is -me-". This one, I do. So, without further ado, I give you ( I Have the Touch )

On a second note, I have an appt on th 6th to talk to an Ob/Gyn about birth control, want something long term (Just don't have a regular enough schedule for pills/patches) so I'm going to -see- what they say to Essureing me, but in the highly likely event they say I'm too young, I'm hoping for an IUD or implant. I want something that'll last for at least three years without me having to deal with it. At that point, I'll try and get sterilized again. Wish me luck, all you people in Eljayland!

Edit: Why the -hell- am I up at 8:30 am??

Happy birthday to me.....

Good friends I have... online.

Here's hoping next year I'll have my mouse beside me in real-space too...

It can suck being alone on your birthday. Maybe not totally alone, but what I wouldn't give for a real, live hug......

I suppose I really ought to post something. Not that anyone reads this or anything, but for my own peace of mind. I've been busy. I've been tired. I've been doing so much... in a direction I would never have -dreamed- I'd be in. More and more it seems like I'm going to be a professional theatre techie.... and I'm not sure if that's what I actually want. I enjoy it, perhaps even love doing it. I can't see myself -not- involved in theatre to some extent, but I also think there's a good chance that I'll burn out doing it. I'd hate that so much. The hours are long and strange, and I'm scared that I'll lost people I care about because of them. I'm scared because it's nothing like what I always thought I'd be doing. I'm scared that everyone around me will think it's a waste of my intelligence etc. I'm scared that I'm just going along the path of least resistance... I've not gone looking for any of this. Am I just doing it because it's what's there to do? That doesn't seem good to me. And yet... apparently I'm doing a good job of it. I don't know what I'd do without Mouse. I wouldn't have gottent through any of this without his support, more than anything else. He's the one that I come home to, even though home is on the other side of a computer. He's the one that knows I'm capable of anything, even when I don't.... even when I argue with him, when I want to give up because it's hard and frustrating and I don't think I can do it. I wouldn't have gotten through First Monday. I wouldn't even have gotten through the rehearsal process of it, had it not been for getting that text message every once in a while saying "I love you", or for the brief phone calls when I could steal a few minutes and just hear his voice, talk about something inane. I am so lucky I can't even begin to say.

I turn twenty-one in a couple days. Thursday to be exact. That's pretty much the end of the legal restrictions on me now.... Birthdays tend to make me introspective, thoughtful, generally kinda fucked up in the head. The whole another year older another year wiser thing, I guess. And for once, I can look back at the year and say "You know what? That was a good year."

Good friends, amazing boyfriend, not -too- many fights with my mom, a fun job that pays and that I'm good at....

Weird stuff too, frustrating stuff. Scary stuff. It feels like I'm actually turning into an adult in some ways. I'm finally getting a car/license (much to Glyph's joy). I'm seriously talking with mouse about living arrangements when he gets out here (yes, when. *squee* That makes me happy too). I've got a job that seems to be turning into a career that I'm good at.

That realization is where it gets a little strange. Mostly the conversation with Glyph where he says to me that he's jealous of me, for having this career fall into my lap. Yes, I work my ass off doing it, but still the oppertunity isn't something I actually went after. I'm sure it won't always be like this, but for the moment, it's good. My closest friend being jealous of me though? That feels very very strange and uncomfortable. I look at myself and see a few good things and a lot of not-so-good ones. Yeah, I've got a job I enjoy, good friends, people who care about me, a boyfriend who loves me and who I'm very much in love with. At the same time, that job is not the one I wanted to do, not even in the same field. I'm fairly sure I'll get burned out of it at some point, and where will I be then? Maybe I'll get a gig like Amy has, but who knows? That'd require me staying in SoCal though... can't work in TV anywhere else. Friends... there're a few here, but most of them are far away. Boyfriend.... I hate living so far from him. I hate waking up alone, I hate not having him beside me. I hate not knowing when I'll be able to see him, spend physical time with him, it's hard and it hurts so much sometimes.... but I also know that I'd rather deal with the distance and the hurting than not have him there at all. I don't know what I'd do without him there anymore... I can't begin to think of my life without him there, nor do I want to. Maybe this is bad, unhealthy, but I don't care. He's stabilized me so much, been endlessly supportive through all the crap my brain does.... is finally breaking through some of my bafflement towards anyone finding me attractive, so many of my self-esteem issues...

Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this. Stream of consciousness and all that crap, I guess. Just..... thank you. Everyone. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know who I'll be this time next year. Hopefully, I'll be curled up in bed with my love, but who knows. I'll see what happens when I get there.

Several days this week have been very very good.

At the moment, I am terribly sore, but in a good way. Yesterday, I finally started Kung Fu again, reminding me how horridly out of shape and practice I am. I -hate- being out of shape, but I don't know that I've ever really been in it. Following Kung Fu was D&D, which was awesome and scary and nifty (my character is so screwed, he got exiled from Waterdeep for 6 months). Following that was furparty with Glyph. Also much fun, especially as it included watching of Doctor Who. Yay Doctor Who!

Wednesday wasn't bad. I had my English final, got my research paper back (92/100, not bad). Also had a studygroup thing with people in my lighting class which didn't really get much studying done, but was fun nonetheless.

Thursday was awesomeness incarnate. Finished with my Light final in 25min, breakfast at Panera. I got the distinct urge to go to LUSH, so I did, and I'm really really happy I did. I stocked up on bath-y stuff (I think I'm going to take one later today), ran into a fellow BPAL-ite from their forums, got one of the last of their discon'd products I'm really going to miss, called Arabian Bright. It's a henna rinse for hair, and just makes the red even more gorgeous and intense. Also got a thing of a moisturizer they've discon'd temporarily because they need to reformulate it, and it's niiiiice. Plus got to sniff new stuff that's not out yet. The manager of that store, the other BPAL-ite, and myself were standing there talking for about two hours. Then the manager had to actually work, so the other woman and myself went out to lunch at an awesome middle-eastern place nearby, spent another hour or so chatting. Was lots and lots of fun. Then I went home and made stew. ^_^

Friday was mixed. Time with Glyph and Robin good. Robin's friend Jenine, not so good. Stupid wiclet.


And now to do something about that paper I'm avoiding.


Edit: I also made a BPAL order, 'cause the moon sounded yummy, so I got it and Chaos Theory and a few imps.

and I love a cabaret?

Yeah... theatre on the brain. First Monday closed last night. All the actors had everything complimentary to say about me, and most of them mentioned that wanted to work with me again, would get refs, etc. I guess from their perspective, I did good. From my perspective, I did good. But no sooner am I nearly home (yay busses 'cause my mom has a broken wrist) then I get a call from Maria saying I'd walked off with one of the keys to the prop locker and that I had to come back -right now-. She wouldn't let me finish a sentence to say I -didn't drive-. *gasp shock horror* someone in LA that doesn't drive? OMGWTF! I kept trying to say I'd either drop it off in the morning or get a friend that was coming over to drop me, and she keeps going on about how she has a set to strike and can't have a long conversation and don't get mad at her 'cause she's just the messenger etc etc and so forth. Bullshit. Conversation would have gone much faster if she'd let me actually finish what I was trying to say. *sigh* Ah well. I got darky to give me a ride there when he got down and gave the keys to Ron, who was reasonable etc. and left easily.

Now, I'm off to another show (The Rabbi and the Cheerleader) that I'm opping on. Is fairly short term at the moment, but has the possiblility of sending me to New York 0_0;;

Why is it that even when I'm exhausted and frustrated and sore that I still love theatre? I think there's a masochist living in my brain...


Then after I gave the keys to Ron, the whole bunch of us got food and made yummy pasta and played DDR til early morn'. Yay!

Listening to this as I walked home.... dedicated to all my friends, but especially my mouse.

( You Are My Home )

Back at the outside life!

Theatre show is going well-ish. I could rant about my director (he's an ass. In the bad way.) who thinks I'm not really the SM and refuses to contact me about anything. But I won't. I could rant about my actors who can't seem to really learn their lines. But I won't do that either.

I'll simply say that it's not going too badly, the actors really are a great bunch, and I'm lucky to be working with them. We've got three reviews out, in Variety, LA Weekly, and LA Times. Variety is mixed-bad, Weekly is mixed-good, Times is non-commital. Backstage Weekly isn't out yet, but they seemed to like the last show I worked on (Fools in Love). None of them have had anything bad to say about tech (mostly, the actors don't know their lines. True enough.), so I'll take it as a stamp of approval. If anyone localish wants to come see it (Oh yeah... I should mention, the show is First Monday in October, a comedy/drama about the first woman on the supreme court) let me know. We're running through June 4.

I just gotta add that I'm very lucky in most of my friends. I miss those who aren't geographically close and wish I lived near-er to you all. I miss spending time with the one who mysteriously vanish (*cough* Shann *cough* Allen *cough*). And I find myself sorely disappointed by Cyndi.... I'd hoped... well, I'm not sure exactly what I hoped, but obviously I didn't get it. I'm disappointed by Margot too, but I don't know what to do there either... I miss the Margot I used to know, she was one of the few bright points to one of the worst times in my life, but I'm not willing to play 'mother' to her, I'm not willing to be responsible for her so she doesn't have to be. I hate losing friends, I hate being wrong about whether someone is a friend or not...I hate being betrayed when I trust someone.

*shrug*

No, not the opinions -of- my parents.

I've recently been given to understand that among most of my friends (exceptions being the boyfriend and the Glyph) my mother is considered to be awesome and cool and all that fun stuff. They see her public face, and go away thinking that's all there is. I guess this means that they think I'm exagerating or even flat-out lying when I say bad things about her, but honestly, she's the source of most of what problems I have. Sure, she buys me stuff. And I won't say she doesn't have her good points. I've gotten a lot of good things from her too, but I would give up all the -stuff- she buys me if it would make her learn that I'm not five. If she would understand... really understand that hers isn't the only opinion. If she would not tell me that she thinks I'll never amount to anything. I love my mom, but... most of my insecurities are due to her. I'll never be good enough, smart enough, -anything- enough for her. My friends see one side to her, her public side, which is admittedly pretty cool, and discount everything I say. That hurts... it hurts a lot to know that they'll take her word over mine. Even people I've known for years do that. I wonder how they reconcile their opinions with my statements.... I'll probably never know. First, they'd never tell me. Second, I doubt I'll ever ask more than I am here... and I'm delusional if I think more than three people actually read this thing ever. (I'll give you a hint. I'm not delusional, about readers or about her.)

Okay, so I wasn't going to do this meme, but then I saw who I shared the birthday with. So now, I gotta...

Events
1940 - Bugs Bunny makes his official debut in the animated cartoon A Wild Hare.
1974 - Watergate Scandal: The House of Representatives Judiciary Committee votes 27 to 11 to recommend the first article of impeachment against President Richard Nixon: obstruction of justice.
2007 - The Simpsons Movie, based on the long running television show, will be released.

Births
1667 - Johann Bernoulli, Swiss mathematician (d. 1748)
1768 - Charlotte Corday, French aristocrat who killed Jean-Paul Marat (d. 1793) (*snerk*)
1938 - Gary Gygax, American role-playing game creator (0_0)

Death
2001 - Leon Wilkeson, American guitarist (Lynyrd Skynyrd) (b. 1952)

Holiday
Ancient Latvia - Septinu Guletaju Diena held

I hate my hormones. At the moment, I hate being female. I don't want to be male, but a fervently wish I weren't female. Also, I wish mouse was here. I mean, I usually wish that, but more than usual right now... I keep closing my eyes and seeing him there, but when I try to reach out, it's just me. Stupid hormones making everything hurt... everything more hollow than usual. I just want to hide until they go away, but I can't... I have school tomorrow and work... Work being a rant all its own... some other time.

( Memeage, )

I haven't had much to say since I got here to maryland, except now I've woken up the past two nights with nightmares. Very unusual for me... before this, I couldn't remember the last one I'd had.

Tonight, I dreamed that I'm walking home (to my dad's house) and Is see a very nice car sitting in front of the house, along with the mail truck. There's a man in a suit and a mailman delivering stuff. The mailman leaves, and the guy in the suit is wandering all over the yard, looking at everything - inspecting it or something. I pick up the mail and ask him if there's anything I can do for him. Oh yeah, apparently I'm home alone for some reason. Go inside, put the mail down, and when I look outside about ten minutes later, he's still there. This gets on my nerves and I go outside and politely ask him to leave. He refuses rudely, so I say something along the lines of "get off my property before I call the police". He refuses again, and pulls out a lawn chair and sits in the driveway. I go inside and find a phonebook, but I can't find the number for the police. I'm trying and trying, but I just can't find it. Finally I pick up the phone and apparently Lisa is tapping our phone line 'cause she's on it with my mom, talking about -soemthing-. I ask them where to find the number and they tell me and then I ask them to hang up so I can call the police. They say 'sure' and do so, but when I try to call I get some weird music thing. About this time the guy in the suit (oh yeah, I'd gotten a business card from him, so I knew name and workplace and stuff. I'd figured out he was with a realtor and was trying to get us to sell the house and I vehemently said 'no' but he wouldn't accept that.) had figured out I was going to call the police for real so he gets into his car and drives off fast, hitting one of the cats as he does. I give up on the landline phone and pull out my cell as he drives by again, this time aiming for (and hitting) another cat, getting out of his car to pick it up and wave it at me, laughing. I try the police on my phone, as he does the same thing again, actually coming up to me with the dead cat as the line to the police is ringing..... then I woke up. Rather terrified and shaking and stuff.

Last night was differently scary. I'm a lot fuzzier on the details though. I'm in a convention hall and someone is harassing me, so when he sits down at a payphone booth, I pull out my leatherman and stab him just below the collarbone on the front so it pierces the heart. About this point I realize "shit what have I done", pull out the knife and go down a flight of escalator to a waterfountain. Apparently someone else throws the body off the balcony to the level I'm on now, so as I'm washing the blood off the knife the body is falling down and landing and people are discovering it (it's pretty full there). I can feel myself shaking internally as I walk off, going to a train station. The part that scared me so much I woke up was thinking how... easy it was, and how easily I'm going to get away with killing someone.


>< that's them for now, if I have more I'll be sure to note them down. It's morning though, and I want to get a little more sleep.

Umm. hi. Short update to a long story.

Baltimore >>>> pittsburgh. Margot very different than two years ago. Not a good thing. Boyfriend awesome. Lotsa EQ. People coming ~300 miles to get you awesome beyond belief. Back to EQ now.

Well, here I am in Pittsburgh. Margot has changed a lot since I last saw her... physically I mean. It sounds really weird to say it, but my gods she's put on a lot of weight. It doesn't suit her at all, and I can tell why. Her eating habits are worse than mine. Lots and lots of creamy, rich, fried stuff. And soda and alcohol. She says she's been depressed and clinicalized twice over the summer, I wish I could do something, but really what is there?

I'm having a lot of practical thoughts about the idea of moving here. First off, our lifestyles aren't terribly compatible anymore. She's inclined towards drinking and partying and stuff, and I'm well... not. I know there will be people over this weekend... and next weekend.. and maybe staying during the week, and frankly, I couldn't deal with that long term. Plus, she's in a suburb of Pitts, and being vehicleless would be a big challenge, esp. trying to come home at all hours of the night like I would be in theater. I could probably find a job, I'm sitting in a starbucks right near the 'cultural district' and know there's at least four theaters around here. I don't think I know enough to SM yet though. A big part of it is that it feels awfully like she and I don't have anything in common... not even musical tastes. I'd have no one to sing with. I really want it to work out, so I could live closer to mouse, but I really don't think I'd be happy here. I'm going to keep thinking about it, but at the moment it's really looking like it won't work out.... *sigh*